Deep Breath, Then Jump 11.29.2006 | 4 Comment(s)
There are times when I look at my life, at my family, and I realize that I am one of the luckiest people in the world. Last week, after years of putting it off, I took my dad out to lunch and told him I was gay. I was nervous, but I can't say I was exactly scared. My dad, despite the fact that he identifies himself as "conservative", is the most open-minded, loving man on the face of the Earth, and that's said without hyperbole. I knew he'd be OK with it. Well, maybe I wasn't so sure, but I certainly didn't think my confession would bring us closer together.

"You had to have suspected something," I told him, "I ran around pretending to be Wonder Woman when I was five."

"You were the happiest kid I'd ever known. That's what I saw," my dad said, "Something changed when you were around 12. You shut us out & you shut down."

It was around 12 that I started to realize I was "different" from the other boys. No, actually they realized I was different from them, and they let me know about it. I withdrew into my own world. It wasn't a happy place, but it was a place where I was safe and it was filled with my favorite things...comic books, my drawing tablets and plenty of Madonna's cassette tapes. I spent hours locked in my room either drawing, listening to music or playing Sim City on my computer. I didn't want friends. Friends were bad, they were mean and when you got too close to them they always, always found a way to let you down. I had to change who I was to have friends. The mask I had to wear to be "myself" around the friends I had was well worn, and sometimes a little too tight.

Despite not wanting to associate with people, I did form a close relationship with the "sometimes hippy, sometimes goth" girl next door. We were outsiders, and our relationship was an odd one. We hung out all the time at home. Our summers were filled with afternoons jumping on the trampoline and listening to C&C Music Factory. In public, we barely acknowledged one another. I was "preppy" and she was...well, not. I wanted to fit in, she didn't. I was embarrassed of her, I didn't want people to know that we were friends, but I needed her. I often found myself trying to decide which was more important, keeping up appearances or keeping a friend. Looking back, I clearly identified & surrounded myself with people who thought they were as misunderstood as I was, much to my parents' dismay.

It wasn't until I got away from family and home that I found myself. Being away from them allowed me to grow, to get over some fears...on my own. It took years, the process started when I went away to college, but I finally found out what it meant to be me. I realized there would be some consequences for that revelation, but I was okay with that. However, I didn't want to lose my family.

As I told the story of a son's past my father knew nothing about, I saw understanding in his eyes. He was finally able to put the puzzle of my life together...now that he had all the pieces. He wanted to know if I'd been hurt in the past. He wanted me to know that he was sad that he couldn't protect me from those things, those people who would harm his son. I didn't expect him to be so protective of me, so understanding & supportive but, he's my dad, and I shouldn't have expected anything less.
4 comments:

By Anonymous Hilary, at 1:44 PM

Neat post. I'm glad you "jumped". Sounds like you've got something special in your dad.

 

By Anonymous newsteve, at 3:17 PM

What a relief that must be for you. Spending hours wondering how those close to us will feel when we disclose those things that we should never have felt compelled or forced to hide in the first place. However we cannot regret those decisions, to tell or not to tell; we can only see that they have shaped our lives in some way and made us who we are today. We can only hope that the decisions we make in the future will put us on a course of happiness and fulfillment. After reading your posts, I think that your experiences made you who you are today - and hopefully, having this conversation with your dad has continued you on your path of happiness and fulfillment.

 

By Anonymous newsteve, at 3:18 PM

What a relief that must be for you. Spending hours wondering how those close to us will feel when we disclose those things that we should never have felt compelled or forced to hide in the first place. However we cannot regret those decisions, to tell or not to tell; we can only see that they have shaped our lives in some way and made us who we are today. We can only hope that the decisions we make in the future will put us on a course of happiness and fulfillment. After reading your posts, I think that your experiences made you who you are today - and hopefully, having this conversation with your dad has continued you on your path of happiness and fulfillment.

 

By Blogger Dad, at 10:03 PM

Your post made me tear up. Very touching story.